Procrastinating Goodbye
Procrastionation by
definition reads:
The action of delaying or
postponing something.
I have never been much of a
procrastinator. I dispise the feeling of being unprepared. Maybe this feeling
is why I delayed this open letter for so long, nearly a year to be exact. Although I feel happy with my
decision, I don’t know if anything can prepare me for letting go of something
that has meant so much to me.
(Even now...I have procrastinated posting this for 2 weeks. Geeze get it together Jordan)
(Even now...I have procrastinated posting this for 2 weeks. Geeze get it together Jordan)
Last week I had the
opportunity to reconnect with two coaches I hold so dear to my heart: Tom Stone
and Tony DiCicco. They also happened to be my first and last great coaches -- a
moment in life where I understood this “coincidence” was really the last piece
of my career going full circle.

I also got to connect with
Tony DiCicco. Tony took a chance on me in 2010 after an injury filled college
career, he drafted me to play for his team, the Boston Breakers, in the WPS.
From the start, I felt Tony had an unwavering belief in his players. Learning a
new position and moving to a higher level, left me in the wrong spot a lot of
the time (just ask my teammates like Kelly Smith, Kristine Lily and Lauren
Cheney. They weren’t world class or anything!). Even through his critique of me
on the field, I really felt like he believed in me. To me this is an example of
a beautiful, perfect storm in sports: when belief of self collides with belief
from your peers and coaches (something I was able to experience multiple times
in my career). It wasn’t without work. I studied film, I trained extra, and I
knew that if I got my opportunity, I had to take it. All that preparation
allowed me to do just that and I was able to play in some of the most beautiful
games of soccer I have ever experienced with some of the legends of our game.
After last weeks reunion of
sorts with these two, I decided enough is enough. I need to stop
procrastinating the inevitable and properly say goodbye. I believe you can’t
truly move on in life without saying goodbye and letting go. So here is my
attempt at just that:
After 25 years, I decided to hang up my boots for good. It isn’t a decision I took lightly, but was something I felt was right for me. (If you also face procrastination, that is the gist of this long goodbye/love letter...so, you can either skip to the end or be done. For those of you who want to continue, grab a seat and I hope you enjoy.)
With tears in my eyes I write these words, my soccer career is officially over. I had a good friend give me some advice on the topic when I was making my decision: she said “No matter when you stop Jordan, it is going to be hard. If it is after a championship or due to an injury, the result is you are saying goodbye to something that has been a huge part of your life. So don’t let those feelings of sadness override what you think you should do.” I clung onto that because it is so true: for the first time in my career, I could make a decision about leaving the game on my own accord. I could walk away. Literally! ON MY OWN TWO FEET (no crutches involved), as a healthy and happy version of myself. This is what I chose.
I remember some of my first soccer practices, me
staring at my big sister so excited I got to play soccer next to her. Somewhere
along the way I began to find my footing, soccer was becoming something I not
only did, but something I loved.
I LOVED playing. Back then I had this thing called speed (which I lost somewhere along the way) and I remember growing up loving the feeling of running past someone. Taking a player on 1v1 on the flank and crossing the ball into the oncoming run of my teammate. The smell of the grass, the sound of striking a ball perfectly 50 yards across the field, and the feeling of the ball kissing my laces as I watched it billow the net. Soccer is a thing of beauty. And it will always be just that, a sport I love for all the joy it brought my life.

I believe that I needed all those
trials to be complete and perfect in what God was teaching me (not that I am complete or perfect but that lesson of the knee had concluded). It also made me
understand that through it all, I knew I had to play again. To show the world
that it wasn’t me but Him. To show others that sometimes the things you love the most also hurt the most, but with faith and belief and the ability to fight like hell, it is all worth it.
My last 2 years of being a
pro were trying. I will be forever grateful for my teammates those 2 years…for
their belief in me because I really felt it. For telling me I should be
playing, that I was a leader on the team, and that they were happy I was there.
You know who you are and I love you all.
It was in those years that my role and my personal
“x-factor” shifted in a weird way. (I believe we all have an “x-factor” in
life, something so unique to us.) One of the reasons I love soccer is because
it is and always will be about the team. I loved being a part of a team.
Figuring out how to relate to certain personalities, how to bring a group of 25
women together to accomplish a goal, and sharing the failures and successes
together.

Procrastination….it’s even
creeping into this letter. I am delaying the inevitable so I will end with
this.
THANK YOU

To my biggest fans:
mom, dad, Ash and D-man. Thank you for believing in me even at times when I
didn’t. For following me around this country and world as I did my best to kick
a small ball into a big net. Thank you for allowing me to give you numerous
sweaty hugs and for whistling at me when I needed to work harder. Thanks for
picking me up when I fell, for bringing me a glass of water when I couldn’t
walk, and a box of tissues when I couldn’t hold it in any longer. One of the
best things that came out of this wild journey is learning how amazing you all
are and how lucky I am to call you my family.
Thanks to my grandparents
who drove hours to see me and even busted out of the hospital to watch their
granddaughter play at Toyota Park. Thanks to all the Grau’s for
all your support when I played near, your presence in the crowd is something I
will always be grateful for.

To all my coaches
who created that perfect storm I spoke about earlier:
The first
mentioned above, Tom Stone and Tony DiCicco – you all were the beginning and
end, thank you.
Rob Lipp --
thanks for making me/us laugh uncontrollably and leading my favorite team ever
to our National Championship.
Dave Dengerink
-- thanks for making me play every position on the field. I was the best
footballer I could be because of that ability to adapt.
Paul Bravo -- thanks
for always wearing your backpack and continuing to support me through all my
ventures in life.
Erik Bushey --
you are beyond words. I will never forget the first day you trained me as I was
coming back from my 3rd ACL and we both looked at each other truly
understanding how far I had to go. But you never doubted or backed down and you
stood by my side the whole way. You never let me settle for mediocre, you
expected me to run as fast as the boys and be the best me everytime I laced up
my cleats. And... I know we were your favorite team ever.
Jerry Smith
–- thanks for taking a chance on a
little stickly girl from Colorado and allowed me to attend to my dream school.
You create an opportunity for growth at SCU and you helped me realize and
embrace all my leadership qualities. The core values we learned there will be
instilled in me for my lifetime.
Erin Chastain,
Huss –- thanks for giving me that look. The look meant I could do better and
then the smile I got when I did do better was all worth it.
Gregg Murphy, Murph Man –- Thanks for helping me see the game with different eyes and also teaching me perspective. It’s just soccer right :)
Tim Shultz -- I knew from the moment you
shoved me to the floor when we were playing 4v4 at The Ridge that I would learn
one great lesson from you – PASSION. Thank you for giving me the shot to wear
the USA crest on my chest and represent my country at a youth World Cup. But
mostly, thank you for bringing together the most passionate team I have ever
been a part of and doing something different.
I wish thank you was enough.
Thank you for believing in me, for pushing me (harder then I preferred
sometimes), for teaching me what it meant to be a good player, teammate and
person. You all are the greatest and I feel truly blessed to have been taught
by, and have gotten to play for, each of you.
To my “support staff”
all the years: Dr. Schelgel and Kathy at Stedman Hawkins, Jim Keller + Next
Level SP, Mike Davis, Active Care SF, Tim at Train Boston, Doug Goldstein, Lisa
Daniels, Roberto Imondi, Kevin and Chris from Explosive Performance, Josie
Fisher, Emily Fortunado, Justin Dudley, and all the training room staff that
kept this humpty dumpty on the field much longer than anticipated. Small role
or big, you all always gave so much of yourself to help me (and others) and I
wish I could repay you. Just know I am forever grateful.


To my friends who supported me near and far, thanks for sticking by me. For allowing me to
have an outlet when I didn’t want to talk about soccer but listening when I
did.
To my amazing host families: The Duker's, the Nova's, the White's, the Katz's, and the Molloy's...you all gave me so much love and support through everything. Welcoming me into your homes and families like I was one of you. I will forever cherish time around your dinner tables talking everything from soccer to the Bachelor. You all are some of the most generous people I have ever met.
To my amazing host families: The Duker's, the Nova's, the White's, the Katz's, and the Molloy's...you all gave me so much love and support through everything. Welcoming me into your homes and families like I was one of you. I will forever cherish time around your dinner tables talking everything from soccer to the Bachelor. You all are some of the most generous people I have ever met.
Thanks to all the fans
who supported me, wrote me kind letters, tweets, and posts throughout all my
stages in soccer, especially my really hard days post injury. I loved playing
for you all because you supported and loved our dreams just as much as we did!
You spent your hard earned money to come watch us play in the WPS and NWSL…that
means a lot to me and a reason why I stayed as long as possible after games to
sign autographs. Without you, none of this is possible. I thank you all and
hope my performance on the field brought some kind of joy to your life.
To the now u15 Colorado Rush
girls ECNL team – thanks for reminding me
why we really play. Your joy and eagerness to learn when I coached you was
exactly what I needed to forgive the sport that I felt did me so wrong. You
helped me more than you will ever know with your smiles, attention, and outpouring
of love (mostly in the form of full fledged sprints to great me with a
handshake everytime I was spotted at Addenbrooke). You showed me what it meant
to play with childlike innocence and belief, true pursuers of Joga Bonito.
AND FINALLY...


So I guess my
procrastination is over…saying thank you to all those who were a part of my
journey was a necessary step for me to feel good hanging up my boots for good.
I am eternally grateful.
Love you so much yord. You are and will always be my teammate and more important, my friend. I'm proud of you for so many reasons and will be here with you every step of the way. I know you will continue to do great things in this world.
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