Connecting a Community

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Time

 There are so many sayings about time...Time heals all things...Time makes the heart grow fonder...Time, why you punish me? (Hootie anyone?!) To me, all those ring true about the time I spent away from the game. 
                           

Today marks the 3rd year since my life got twist turned upside down (man I'm full of lyrics right now!), and once again, it proves to be a hard day to get through without loads of emotions. The emotions from that day 3 years ago specifically come back: the laughter in the locker room as we danced before the game, the feeling I had after scoring, and being even more excited when my teammate and fellow Colorado girl Keelin Winters scored her first professional goal, and the gut-wrenching feeling that I knew exactly what had happened to me. Plus all the emotions I had to work through in the past few years in trying to understand the purpose of this lesson. Needless to say, it's a lot of different emotions. 

I needed time away from the game, away from the one thing that I loved so much but had hurt me so deeply. The time I took away truly helped me heal. I found new interests and figured out what I could be good at other then kicking a ball really, really far. Taking pictures, interior design (aka re-decorating my childhood room), becoming my best version of a yogi, sports broadcasting, and a little sports marketing. But most of the time, I found myself coaching...ok, ok, I didn't get that far away from the game and, honestly, it resulted in some serious internal struggles. There were days when I was so mad at soccer, so upset about what had happened, that I would have to drag myself to go to training...it was hard to stay this way for long once I got to the fields. I would show up to the fields and get mobbed by 16 11/12 year olds running full speed at me from 100 yards away just to be the first one to shake my hand and tell me hi. Then I would realize, I know why I was here. Why it was my time to be a coach and not a player. One day it hit me, if I hadn't got hurt, I would of never met these young girls in the capacity that I did. Would never be able to spend 3 years helping develop these young soccer phenoms (and I don't say that lightly). These girls healed me. They showed me what it is like to play with such passion, joy, and desire to learn. They allowed my heart to grow fond of the innocence that lies in the heart of our game. I will forever be grateful for my Rush girls and the time life allowed me to be with them. 

It is my first time being back on the field with a team since I got injured. Anniversary's are a remembrance of something that has happened in your life...good or bad you remember specific days for specific reasons. For this reason, time punishes me. My initial thought is, I know there will come a day when April 9th comes and goes without me even realizing...But then I think to myself, I am not sure that's what I want. I want to remember this day with all of it's emotions and all the great things it has brought into my life. 

As i got ready for training today, I called my parents to express how I was feeling going into training. Honestly, I can't describe the emotions I was feeling when I reached for my phone to call them...I just knew I needed to talk. They had both got up early to make sure they could talk to me in case I called. We couldn't get through the conversation without all crying...I think we all felt the same way, knowing there was nothing left for me to do but just go out and prove this day has no control over me. 

Time has punished me, time has healed me, and time has made me fonder of the gracious gift I have been given to play again.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Belief>Fear

Fear is a powerful emotion. 

Think about a time you were fearful of something. It can be both physically and emotionally paralyzing. Not allowing you to move. Stopping you dead in your tracks. Everything around you keeps moving and growing but your stuck in this “deer in headlights” position. This was me 3 months ago.

After battling over two years in physical therapy to get back on the field, overcoming a flare up on my right knee and many mental roadblocks, I felt closer to what I had worked so hard towards for so long...but I was stuck. Fear crept in. 

My fears sounded a lot like this:
Will I be good enough? Will my knee be strong enough? My body fit enough? Will I ever be as good at something as I was at soccer? For this blog, will I write the right thing? Will it have enough impact? Will I be judged? 

Once it started, it was a domino effect and one fear after another started to come up in my mind.

Through this process I have been challenged on many levels, but the mental aspect has been the hardest by far. To me, 
Belief is the opposite of fear

Belief is having hope that what is in store for you is going to be better for you then you could ever imagine. 

Part of my belief was to understand I had to let go of the control I thought I needed over my life. I thought if I held tight onto this idea of once again playing soccer, there was no other option but for it to come true. What was really happening was I was squeezing the life out of my dreams. 

It made me think of when you hold tight onto sand, it just slips through your fingers; but if you cup the sand in your hand, leaving your hand open to the sky, the sand can just sit there. The fear I had of me not being able to play soccer again made me hold on tighter when really what I had to do was let go a little. Still holding my goals and dreams, but opening up my mind and soul to all the options life has for me. 

Once I had this realization, I felt like the pressure I put on myself finally fell off my shoulders.

Looking back, all that noise in my head was preventing me from being ME. I let go, believed, and things on and off the field opened up! Job opportunities arose and I felt open to explore them while still pursuing a soccer career. It felt so nice, my mind was free again from the fear that was holding me back just days before.  

Then one day at the end of May, I crossed the white line at the training field and told myself I was fine…and I BELIEVED it! That’s a huge part of the equation. 

My belief in the purpose of my journey trumped my fear. 

I know I am meant to be on the field, I feel it when I am out there. 

After 2 months of training hard/smart, and knocking some of the accumulated rust off, I jumped on a plane and took what seemed like a long trip across the US to Washington D.C. As I sat on the plane, I had a mix of emotions running through me:

Excitement – how amazingly cool is this that I was given the opportunity to train with the Washington Spirit! I was jazzed at the idea of being with a team again. “Train. Get better. See how far away you are from that level.” That was my self talk as I prepped for that first practice, putting no pressure on myself to prove anything or do anything I didn't feel I was ready for yet. Saying this to myself helped me bottle up the excitement and use it in a constructive way. 

Nervous – for the plane ride and the whole next day, I just wanted to get out on the field. The anticipation of the first practice was something I hadn’t felt in a while…butterflies! That nervous energy that makes you feel like your doing exactly what you love to do. I soaked it in, felt every flutter in my stomach. If I weren’t nervous, then there would have been a problem.


Once I stepped on the field that wednesday evening, even though my first training back was a public training, I immediately felt a sigh of relief. Now all the waiting and thinking can cease and the feeling, moving, playing can commence. I believed I was right where I was suppose to be. 

Its hard not to smile now when I am on the field. 

More then ever I believe this game is gift, and every time I get to play, it truly makes my heart happy:)



Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Sending LOVE to BOSTON

Heartache is the only thing that comes to mind when thinking about yesterday's event. Boston is a town that will forever hold a special place in my heart. If I know anything, it is that Boston is one of the strongest communities in the world, and with the world behind them, they will persevere


As the news focuses on finding the perpetrator, I choose to focus on --

The courage and achievement of all the runners who took to the 26.2 mile course yesterday. Finished or not, you all are amazing.

All the people who watched and cheered on not only their loved one's, but all who passed by, knowing the dedication and sweat these runners put into their dream--to participate in the Boston Marathon. 

All the staff at the race, civilians who helped, police officers, paramedics, ER staff, nurses, doctors, and all those who attended to those who where injured, you are truly HERO'S

The runners who went to give blood last night. You exemplify what patriotism really is and how we as Americans care for one another. 

ALL the people who did good yesterday, on a day where one person did evil. You all out number that person and you will be the people I remember. 


Last but not least, I will remember the innocent victims and the families who were directly affected by this tragedy. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.


ALL my LOVE and PRAYERS to BOSTON
 

We Are Boston

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Two Years Later: The emotions and the Growth

April 9th, 2011

2 years have pasted since the split second that changed me. It is extremely hard to go through this day without experiencing every emotion I felt that day all over again. I feel the heat, humidity, the sweat on my face, the joy from scoring the first goal of the season, and the harsh reality of what happened next. They seem to take over and bring tears to my eyes. Even though I still dont know why this happened to me, I understand more and more everyday how this is part of MY JOURNEY.

If it weren't for April 9th I wouldn't of...

Shared everyday amazing moments with my parents, appreciating them more and more daily
Got to watch my brother be a awesome hockey player and cheer him on
Become best friends with my sister again and spend time with my nephew (her black lab Tyrone)
Grown deeper in my FAITH and learned a lot from the community at Red Rocks Church
Coached a super talented bunch of 11/12 year olds who make me smile everyday
Become a yogi with my mom and a coffee connoisseur with my dad
Established long lasting relationships with friends from the past
Started on a road towards a broadcasting career
Supported my friends as they accomplished their goals, got new jobs, and won gold medals
Attended many weddings - sharing in the love, laughter, tears, and of course the dancing
Contemplated getting inked
Spent my first full year in Colorado since I was 17 (and loved every season)
Vacationed -- that's right, actually vacationed
Watched new friendships bloom with people I have always looked up to
Believed in myself, doubted my strength, cried over my knee, appreciated my scars, laughed at myself, and realized I have a deeper strength then I could of ever imagined



2 years is a long time. And although before this day 2 years ago, I had much different plans for these years then those I listed above, I couldn't be more grateful for where life took me. There were amazing ups and there were big downs and a lot of learning along the way. I know now I don't have to be strong every second of my life -- this is a biggest lesson I have learned. And although I have always been biased, I fully believe my family is the most amazing group of people in the world.

~the whole gang at a wedding last summer~
They were strong when I couldn't be. There were many days when I didn't even like who I was and couldn't believe how I was acting. It amazes me that they somehow comforted and loved me throughout this time. I can't even express all they have done for me and feel so grateful for their love and support. 

Today I feel and accept where I am right now. I believe and TRUST I am exactly where I am suppose to be. Most of my days now are filled with thoughts of how healthy I feel, how strong I have got, and how I am the happiest I have been in a long time. After my injury, I knew it would take me a while to get back to playing. I remember thinking to myself, I will play again in two years. Now that time is here and can't wait to see what the future holds :)

As for now, I will feel the impact of this day.
Accepting all my emotions and when tomorrow comes... I will continue to move forward and unfold the journey that awaits me. 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Time to Heal

What does it mean to heal from an injury? When are you fully recovered? Not only physically but emotionally as well?

I have been noodling these questions for the past month or so. For nearly two years now I have had the ability to experience this process on my own...By that I mean surrounded by doctors, physical therapists, and most importantly my family and close friends. But it was a private thing to me. I had time and to work on healing completely. And I do mean work, because it was a hard job and something I had to put a lot of pain, tears, and effort into.

In the past, I have experienced injuries where I am pushed to get back onto the field, sometimes before I felt like I was ready. With hindsight being 20/20, I realize I never stood up for me by putting myself first and demanding more time to heal. I admit a lot of the pressure to get back was self-inflicted, but not all. My standards for myself are very high and sometimes I expect more out of myself then I am physically or emotionally able to give. Its almost as if as a woman who plays sports, I always felt as if I had to prove my strength. I had to prove that I could overcome this putting unnecessary expectations on myself. Not fully understanding until now that there is an emotional and physical side of healing a major injury. Time is what I needed to experience the ups and downs and help myself to be Jordi again.

2013 has brought to my attention the concept of acceptance vs. expectation. Our hearts are the center of us because they are the resting place of our spirits and all our love. Here in our hearts is where we find acceptance for ourselves and who we really are. My heart was broken for a long time making it hard for me to accept me, thus putting all these expectations on myself. Expectation on the other hand is mind produced. The product of over thinking and comparing what is to what was/what we think should be. Now that I have come to this realization, I have found myself truly healing from then inside out.

I have been working on listening to my heart, feeling gratitude for what I am doing on a daily basis. My mind wants to but in and tell me how I didn't complete that last pass or how I couldn't run that sprint as fast as I once did...But then I turn back to acceptance --

I am running! Something I wasn't doing a year ago.

I am playing soccer! Something that makes my heart so deeply happy.


Why let my expectations of where I believe I should be (or where others think I should be) ruin the beauty of what I accomplished today. I am happy to be where I am at, and believe I am right here for a reason.

Expectations are far different from goals. I have goals, big goals, and I am pushing towards them. The difference is I finally feel like I am doing it once again with a happy heart.


The process of healing is different for everyone. Don't compare yourself to the person next to you because that's just it...they are not you! Believe me, it is not an easy process, but if done completely, you will recognize just how much you have grown and accept what has happened as something you are THANKFUL for. It is a beautiful thing.

This is my path. I know I was put on it for a reason and I believe and trust in everything happening for a reason.


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Now is the Time...

Starting something new.
Don't know where this is going to take me,
All I know is I have been compelled to share. 
Sharing to help me, and connect us all.  
Through a small step, a big tackle, a wrong turn, we all have the scars to show where we have been. 
Now it is up to US to decide where we are going